20 May 2009

Live Blogging MAJOR LEAGUE

I just put on Major League, one of the great baseball movies. I am now going to live-diary it or whatever the fuck you want to call it. This movie is so rich.

* This starts out, oddly enough, as an attempt at like, a movie about a city. Sort of like a little indie movie. This soapy music and the working class city shots. Kind of cool.

* I love shots of big cities from like, the early 80s. Especially New York, but I'll take a little Cleveland.

* Could never get past that logo.

* I think it's totally awesome to think that, at some point, before non-retards ran professional sports franchises, that scenes like the one introducing the female owner actually happened. Just weird, like Dynasty type shit.

* This GM guy is such a great character. See, cause he's torn.

* "I wanna finish in dead last." That'd be a fun exercise, trying to do that without getting caught. Currently in action in Scmashington.


* Casting home run of all time: Lou Brown, manager.

* Hey, there's Steve Yeager, longtime Dodger catcher, as the Indians third base coach. Steve was an excellent defensive catcher and played 15 seasons.

* Brown, on Taylor: "Used to play for Boston." Of course he did. Of course!

* HEY NOW! It's WILY... MO... PENNNNNAAAAA!! Pedro Cerrano. Mildly racist characterization. Wouldn't he have to be Haitian?

* Love Dorn.

* Wesley Snipes and I have the same birthday! This scene is sort of weak. I don't know, I don't think Snipes is funny when he's trying to be.

* Dude, for it's time and place, this shit with Sheen and the bike is HEAVY.

* Eddie Harris, the veteran, aging, graying, cranky, pious but perverted, junkballing old righty played by Chelcie Ross, maybe my favorite character of all time.

* I don't care if he's the star of the movie and clearly a stand up guy; would very potentially treat a partner right- all of those things. And I don't care if it is the 19-goddamn-80s. In this movie, the person Jake Taylor dresses like a fucking pussy. I'll continue to point out examples.

* The mullets on some of these dudes in the drills!

* Dude, come on. If he wasn't even invited to camp, was kicked out, and won you over just by being fast, wouldn't the fact that he can barely hold a goddamn bat clue you in to the reality that he can't play baseball? Like, pushups won't help that.

* The red tag gimmick is awesome. These scenes are great.

* The greatest line in the history of movies, from Eddie Harris- "This... is Vagisil." That almost literally kills me every time.

* This shit with Cerrano praying to some gnome troll thing is like, beyond over the line offensive. It's nuts! Ahh, the 80s.

* "You know you might think about taking your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into your heart instead of fiddling around with all of this..." - Eddie Harris (quote machine!)


* Taylor calms religious argument, emerges as leader.

* Harris gets a huge har-har on an alcohol joke. Baseball: a drinking man's game.

* Dude, Sheen doesn't do strike zones.

* I have to say, Cerrano's got NOTHING to worry about in camp. No way you don't DH him and let him try to run into some fast balls for a month or two? What is Taylor going to hit, 10 HRs? Dorn might get 20, and then what? Hayes has Podsednik power. Cerrano's a done deal to make it.

* Gentry, the red-carded. Looked like he worked in a comic book store.

* Holy fuck with the voodoo shit! That hat!

* That celebration dance is Wesley Snipe's single greatest moments of recorded footage as an actor or otherwise.

* I'm telling you, these guys, these ballplayers- they're Neanderthals. I bet these could double as a documentary- especially this fight scene between Dorn and Vaughn.

* I don't mean that last thing I just said, totally.

* Example two, Jake Taylor Dressing like a Pussy: the scene he pretends to hit a HR in the stadium like a fourth grader and rounds the bases... in broad daylight. Where people are bound to be milling around. That's fucking weird. "Wuuuh, whoa, you guys saw that? Damn!"

* "That's my wife. Uhh... she would have been, if I hadn't messed up my life!!" Lame.

* Say you're Rene Russo's date that Jake Taylor crashes. Maybe it's date five. How fucking awkward is that situation? Either she's in a little bit of distress and you have to go over and help and make a scene, or she's being super fucking rude in talking to a guy for that long on a date. What a wrench in the evening for that guy.

* Bumbling Bible Thumpin' Harris. This is such a baseball nerd character. He's such a great amalgamation of baseball weirdos. Steve Carlton, Warren Spahn, Don Larsen, Gaylord Perry. Also gives you a John Burkett and Jamie Moyer vibe too, in the years since.

* And here's Uecker!

* Pete Vukovich, playing the evil, nasty Yankee 1B. Vukovich was a pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers. Awesome casting.

* Things we've determined from this opening game:

-the team blows
-willie mays hayes is a pretty big asshole
-the indians have the greatest pbp in the history of the medium
-this vaughn kid was sent from the future by mitch williams, right?
-"how's your wife and my kids?"
-this team has NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER at winning ANYTHING CLOSE to a pennant or even more than half their games.

* Mike's favorite line: "Too high, man? Too high?"

* Harris killing it with the trash talking after the plunking!!

* Taylor cheated on Russo with a stewardess? That's fucked up.

* Is the added benefit of the shitty plane the owner sticks on the team that it might crash? It's not going to be less comfortable- planes are uncomfortable. Maybe psyche them out? She's saving money at least.

* Hey Taylor, way to wear a white linen shirt out to the fucking bar in Cleveland champ. Nice.

* If Wesley Snipes had played the character more like a dopey teenager, it would have been funnier. He sort of does that when he suggests Taylor stalk his old girlfriend. It'd make all the asshole moments more charming.

* Hey, old flame Rene Russo, you know that show Miami Vice? I watch it. See? I got the outfit idea from this week's episode.

* Like I said, this new guy is a real cock muncher, but you gotta feel for him. Who the fuck is this Jake Taylor clown? And now all of a sudden, the planets align and I'm in the alternate reality where THIS FUCKING DUDE IS STARTING CATCHER FOR THE INDIANS! COME FUCKING ON!!! And the guy's butting his head in, and yuppie guy knows she still sort of likes him. What a bummer. Still, fuck him, the yuppie (a theme of the film?).

* Russo defends Jake to the group, per his talent: relationship with Other Guy over.

* Love the Prominent Brow Ridge on Captain Obvious asking Rene Russo what event she was in the Olympics. "Oh shit, the exact one the girl this pro baseball player here just straight up admitted to wanting to fuck? That one? Dude! Really?!?"

* In that scene where the manager tries to get Vaughn to read the letters from a distance, before we find out why, it's pretty much even money whether they're going to be saying "He needs glasses," or "He's developmentally disabled."

* "Up you BUTT Jobu." - Eddie Harris

* "HEY BARTENDER JOBU NEEDS A REFILL!!!" - Eddie Harris, taking over the movie, then catching a bat on the head.

* The little bits on crowd noise between the Indian guys and the broadcasters is pretty awesome. Really well done.

* I get the impression that the story Taylor tells that Oakland A to get him to pop up is both not true and based on things that definitely could have, to this guy, happened. Which is slimey and pretty funny.

* NOTICE: Dorn's wife is cute.

* Dorn's got a lot of cash- so he's the dead weight old big free agent contract on the team's back? How good a hitter is he? Is he something like a 25 HR, 280/375/485 type 3B? That'd be really valuable, obviously, but his defense is insanely bad. So maybe not that good, but he's babying himself for free agency, which means there's room for him to hope.

* Dorn with a pretty decent burn on Vaughn- "Here's one for you Vaughn- Crime and Punishment!"

* Yeager firing shots off of Corbin Bersen's chiseled physique.

* The always awesome "we're starting to kick some ass" sports movie montage.

* Bell (or Biv or Devoe) from Bell Biv Devoe cameo as a kid on the street! Nice!!

* OK, the guy playing the reporter- after the Indians win before the showdown with the Yankees, where we see Dorn with that chick in the background proving he's cheating on his wife- is the guy who Jerry Lundegaard is trying to extort out of extra money on bogus coating for a new car in Fargo. "You're a liar Mr. Lundegaard... a *fucking* liar."

* Love how Dorn plays the whole impending "piece of shit teammate I hate mistakenly revenge fucked my wife" confrontation on the down low. Keeps it cool.

* Indians radio: The Zen of a Color Guy.

* Chelcie Ross's delivery towards the end of this movie is awe-inspiringly bad. The poor guy looks like he can barely even stand from throwing take after take. He's got like, his hat falling over a bit because he doesn't totally even have his balance. But these guys existed. Don Sutton at the end, Charlie Hough.

* Ah, ok, we get a number- Dorn hit .271 with 86 RBIs. That's very valuable from a capable 3B.

* I don't think much needs to be said about the pitch selection to Pedro Cerrano in the penultimate inning of the one game playoff. You have the guy 0-2 looking bad on two straight easy curves. Your next pitch you shake off the catcher and groove a fastball with a runner on to this guy? What the holy hell happened there?

* Harris looks like he's going to go lay down and die somewhere. Say what you want about the form, and Mr. Hollywood comes in with the song and the creepy dancing after it, but Eddie Harris was a warrior in that game. 800 years old, holding a scary Yankees team to two runs!

* Holy crap Vaughn take longer coming in from the bullpen.

* "STRIKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT." If I was on a pro baseball team, I'd watch this movie constantly. And then, in a huge moment, I'd come in from second base and I'd rub down the ball and I'd recite that line to my best bro the closer and he'd fucking rain terror down on that other team.


* I think the guy playing RF for the Yankees in this movie did my taxes this year. HAI-YO!!

* The Duke! Played by former Brewer Willie Mueller, not to be confused with Billy Mueller.

* Vukovich was a professional athlete.

* Shades of Game 4 in 2004 ALCS with Hayes big late inning steal against the Yankees (SS wearing #2!).

* This pointing garbage Taylor does is the weakest shit of all time. Then he "refuses to dust himself off." Big fucking deal. That's some serious Little League shit. And then he bunts. Between this, totally sweating another dude's girl, that slimey move where he talks shit about a guy's wife just to get him to pop up- dude was a weasel.

* The scene where they win is awesome, 99% of which is Uecker. He is so great in this movie. The score is really, really soap opera-y though, which is weird. I want Jock Jams.

* That last shot where he lifts her up with the team is some pretty ballsy stuff. That shit's going to be all over SportsCenter. "Who the FUCK is this girl? Are they seriously parading around Jake Taylor's girlfriend, that failed Olympic swimmer? What's going on?" Let me be clear: that's never happened in reality.

Oh, it's over. Good night!

listened to...

Ornette Coleman- Shape of Jazz to Come
Elliott Smith- "Bottle Up and Explode"
Weezer- "My Name is Jonas"
Weezer- "No One Else"
New Order- "Age of Consent"
Minutemen- Double Nickels on the Dime

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