06 September 2005

I Want to Have David Ortiz's Baby

I don't even know what to say anymore. I just don't. I mean Jesus Boner Christ, who the FUCK is this guy? Every single solitary time it seems like he's topped himself, he does it again- only it's off a tougher pitcher, or with more runners on, or in a bigger spot, or the ball just goes fuckin' farther. He did it again tonight- bottom of the 9th, tie game, must-win game, ace reliever in the game, 3-2 count... "Send 'Em Home" David (click on the image of David here to see what BSM saw! MORE VIDEO! YEEEAAAHHH!!!). Apparently after the game, John Henry gave him a plaque calling him the "Greatest Clutch Hitter in the History of the Red Sox." I know John Henry's rich, but I have to believe he had that made a while ago and was just waiting for the right time to give it to him. I'd love to see that plaque.

Real email conversation between Mike and I:

also, i think i want to move to boston and stalk david ortiz so i can drink his sweat and be his girlfriend. did u see that shit?

Dude, do you think every day before a game the Twins GM has to stand there and let anyone who works for the twins- right up to the concession stand people- come up to him and give him a jimmy tap?

a jimmy tap? they should be allowed to pull his pants down and squirt lemon juice up his pee-hole.

I'm not nearly as eloquent in email as I am here.

There's nothing this man can't do with a bat in his hands. To say he's the most dominantly "clutch" Red Sox player of all time is a ridiculous understatement- it'd be like calling Chasing Amy "not the greatest movie I've ever seen."

"Yeah, he's pretty clutch."

I mean, as soon as he hit that pitch- and he absolutely leaned on it, easily the farthest HR I can remember being hit in that direction at Fenway- the people right behind home plate just exploded. Literally. They popped like blisters out of their chairs and just threw their bodies into the air. Stunning.

And he hits it, turns, flips his bat and points to his teammates on the bench...

I've said it before, I'll say it again... David Ortiz is a gift from God to Red Sox fans- to baseball fans. He's just such an engaging, entertaining, electric, combustive personality. I'm totally incoherently rambling right now, but that's OK. Tim Wakefield pitched a complete game 2 ER victory against the Angels, David Ortiz obliterated a walk-off HR (David "Send em Home" Ortiz) off one of the three best relievers in the AL (he already hit a 3-R walkoff off one of the others), and the Yankees seemed to wait just in time for the Red Sox win to spit the bit once again against the Devil Rays (4-10 this season against the Devil Dogs). Derek Jeter grounding into the double play to end it was a nice touch.

This was a great way to start off a huge week of six games against two great teams. Four game lead on the division.

It's easy to get used to this from Ortiz... but we will never, ever, ever see another guy like this in our lifetimes. David Ortiz is someone that comes along once a generation, and you really have to treasure them when they do. He is already responsible for more insane, viscerally blissful moments in my life than anyone I can think of. Once in a lifetime, I'm telling you.

Just posting this for fun. Isn't it great? It's from Game 7... of the 2004 ALCS. In case it wasn't obvious.

Also, though not of much substance, here's a nice little webpage that, while most net-friendly Red Sox fans have seen, is still a ton of fun. It's the SoSH and NYYFans.com game threads spliced together for the 2004 ALCS. Just awesome, awesome stuff. It should be on everyone's favorites list. Check it out here.

Also, apropos of nothing- the other night I was watching the Keith Foulke/ Tony Clark showdown to end Game Six- to anyone who knows me, my favorite moment of the ALCS, most likely. Anyway, as you probably recall, Foulke fell behind to the ALCS winning runner 2-0 and clearly had nothing. Everyone in the building knew Foulke had to come inside, even though he'd been working exclusively outside. He did come inside- sort of. An 87 MPH fastball on the inner third, fatter than a basketball and begging to be driven. On a 2-0, hitter's count. And Clark took. Go back right now, put on Game Six on your DVD player, and watch that pitch again. Your nuts (or, say, ovaries, as the case may be) will shrink back up into your abdomen (or further up, as the case may be) when you see it delivered to home plate. I mean, imagine if Clark swung? Wow. I get chills thinking of that AB.

Got Fantastic Damage by el-p this weekend, and it is certainly great stuff. Not as great as Aesop Rock, the labelmate, but definitely awesome. Listened to a lot of this while going 6-2 to start a season of Tecmo Super Bowl as the San Francisco 49ers.

It was a bachelor pad weekend, you see- part of the reason you didn't get any table scraps from here at BSM. I was busy doing absolutely nothing at all. I did watch Karate Kid as I fell asleep one night though. That was a fun activity. Also, I worked on the iTunes gift certificate that Erin's parents so awesomely gave to me for my birthday. A sampling of my purchases thus far:

Bjork- "Joga"
EPMD- "You Gots to Chill"
Jurassic 5- "What's Golden"
Aesop Rock- "Daylight"
The Digital Underground- "The Humpty Dance"
Dr. Dre and Ice Cube- "Natural Born Killaz" ('...been a killer since I came out tha nutsack')
ELO- "Mr. Blue Sky"
Nas- "One Mic"
Cypress Hill- "How I Could Just Kill a Man"
The Zombies- "Time of the Season"
Missy Elliott f/ Ciara- "Lose Control"

That new Missy Elliott song is intense. It might be my favorite Missy song ever, actually. Also, I still got 4 songs left to buy. Any suggestions would be tremendous...

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