16 June 2005

100 Things About Me.



I know you don't care, but inspired by Miles from Fenway, I thought I'd try it. Should be really boring, especially if you already know me.

  1. On Halloween, 8th grade, I was trying to be Big Brotherly and show my brother how to carve a pumpkin. We emptied the fucker out, getting my hands really wet and slippery in the process, and I picked out the biggest, cerated-est knife out to start slicing it up- show him how it's done. My hand slipped right off the handle, and I cut it right to the bone. My grandparents were staying with us while the parents were away, and my nearly blind grandfather had to take me to the walk in clinic. I still have the scar (at the joint on my right forefinger) and it still hurts like a sonofabitch when it gets whacked.

  2. I suffer from chronic headaches, sometimes migraines. I like Motrin IB best.

  3. I taught myself to play guitar.

  4. Raging Bull and Dr. Strangelove are my favorite movies ever. Rushmore, Pulp Fiction and This Is Spinal Tap aren't far behind.

  5. I have a natural sympathy for my fellow redheads, and I often give them "the nod" when passing one on the street.

  6. I often go to great lengths to avoid human interaction with people I don't know, and often even greater lengths for people I do know.

  7. The amount of anxiety I go through just watching regular TV would astonish you. I get angry really easy at these sorts of things.

  8. The mark on my wall after the Yankees broke open Game Three of the ALCS in 2004 is still there, and was caused by me violently throwing my 1975 Red Sox cap as hard as I could against it. It's a point of pride for me.

  9. Every time the Sox won a game in the ALCS and World Series 2004, I ate a cheeseburger deluxe from the Gracie Mews Diner on 80th and 1st Ave. From then on, I have referred to a chesseburger there as a "Victory Burger." Also, I used Boston bands mojo in the ALDS, and Tenacious D/ Nirvana mojo in the ALCS and World Series. It worked.

  10. I worked at a record store in downtown Manhattan for two and a half years during college, and it was the best job I've ever had.

  11. I have a photographic memory- mostly for faces- and it makes me able to spot the more random pliers of the acting craft not only in various disparate film and television appearances they may make, but also when I see them in person on the street. My "I've seen" celebrity list is long and fucking impressive. To me, at least.

  12. My brother Mike's the funniest person I've ever met.

  13. I own a Darth Vader Voice Changer.

  14. Game Seven of the 2003 ALCS was one of the three worst moments of my entire life, and to deal with it, I got lost walking around LA (which I'd never visited) at around midnight.

  15. I got over it.

  16. I am a huge, devoted Andy Kaufman fan, and the time I met Bob Zmuda was one of the most exciting, nerve-wracking experiences of my life. He was kind of an asshole, but still cordial, and it was great to meet him.

  17. I was born in Newton/ Wellesley Hospital on July 31st 1981. I share a birthday with Wesley Snipes, Primo Levi, Gus Frerotte, Dean Cain, Bill Berry from REM, Geraldine Chaplin, Nico, William Bennett, Stan Jaffe, Ted Cassidy (Lurch from The Addams Family), Curt Gowdy, Albrecht III of Saxon (born in 1443, duke of Saxon), and lastly, and most proudly, Ahmet Ertegun.

  18. I saw Ahmet Ertegun one time in NYC right near the new Time Warner Building. He was coming out of the hotel there, and was helped to a car, which was being brought around. He looked old and somewhat fragile, and I felt like the last thing he probably wanted was some 23 year old kid coming up to him bothering him while he was waiting to get moving. So I just stood about 50-75 feet away and stared over at him, in total, 100% awe. It was like looking at the Pope.

  19. I rock a beard every now and then, and my girlfriend really doesn't particularly like it.

  20. I loathe the phone to the point where I'll go days refusing to pick it up, will turn it off so I won't hear it ring, and I'll go to amazing lengths not to have to call anyone. I don't know if one could call it a phobia, but whatever it is, it is absolutely crippling. I hate/ am terrified of the telephone.

  21. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and I like it that way.

  22. I am someone that treasures time alone, and this bothers some people. The people that understand it are the ones that still like me.

  23. I love cashews.

  24. I am very likely the most finicky and child-like eater you've ever met. My diet is less daring than an episode of Providence and Touched by an Angel combined. Bill recalls my meals in the cafeteria at college- "Peanut butter-and-jellies, lots of cereal... chocolate milk... and cake. Chocolate cake."

  25. I would get a tattoo if I could think of something cool to get that I'd be comfortable being permanently attached to my body.

  26. I love American history.

  27. My favorite baseball player of all time is, was, and always will be Pedro Jaime Martinez. Viva la 45!

  28. I was on a temp job once in Washington Heights, and I researched online where Manny Ramirez used to play Little League and high school baseball. I'd go over on my lunch breaks and check it out, and I still count it as my favorite "New York" moment, if such a thing could exist for me.

  29. I love the New York City subway.

  30. I am an agnostic. I think I believe in God... but it couldn't mean less to me relative to any morality I might have.

  31. In high school, I had historically bad acne- so bad it was painful along the edge of the skin on my face on a near constant basis. It was painful, ugly, and awful. I took Accutaine. It solved it, and miraculously, no scars. BUT- the side effects of dryness all over the body have made me obsessive compulsive about dry hands, dry anything- a total fucking complex. And, I think the drug fucked with my head which, apparently, would make me a not-uncommon case in the Accutaine casebook. I'm a lot less cheery post-Accutaine than I was before.

  32. My favorite band ever is Nirvana, but I can't imagine not including the Beatles on that level.

  33. My years in high school were spent
    a) alone
    b) playing guitar
    c) writing
    d) watching a TON of movies
    e) listening to a TON of Nirvana, music in general
    f) reading about new types of music/ bands I could go spend money on
    h) hating my peers
    i) watching Seinfeld, The Simpsons and Mr. Show with Bob and David

  34. I have an addiction to Coke. I drink a ton of it and ONLY Coke (Pepsi is for jocksniffers). I'm actually trying to cut down.

  35. I don't always treat people I know very well.

  36. I don't usually lose arguments.

  37. When I went to Europe with Bill, I was in a really weird frame of mind and, as a result, I was kind of a standoffish prick, and it's something I've felt bad about ever since. I loved that trip, but I could have enjoyed it a lot more. Also, Belgian waffles are breathtaking. It is NOT hype.

  38. I hate when people walk too slow in front of me. I walk really fucking fast.

  39. I really hate beer. I hate how it tastes, I hate how it feels in my stomach- how it expands and feels like a loaf of bread soaking up stomach acid. I much prefer hard alcohol which doesn't even TRY to taste good, and gets you fucked up way faster. My preferred drink is a screwdriver.

  40. I don't drink enough, I don't think.

  41. Sometimes I think I'm agoraphobic and antisocial.

  42. There are a lot of perks I like about living in NYC, but near the top is getting The Village Voice and The Onion for free.

  43. I do not like to swim, and if I had my way, I'd never go to the beach again in my entire life.

  44. I have worn nothing but black hi-top Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars as footwear since I was a sophomore in high school.

  45. I love t-shirts. I have a ton- my favorites are a Jesus Lizard one I got off eBay, my old Pedro Red Sox player number shirt, my Red Sox World Championship tshirt, and my 'the Dude' shirt, given to me as a gift.

  46. My favorite writer of all time and, ultimately, my hero, is James Joyce. I've also always loved Allen Ginsberg, Arthur Miller, Hunter S Thompson, Billy Wilder, Bill James and David Lynch

  47. I love playing catch, and honestly, I think I have a pretty good hard slider.

  48. I have a pretty bad back, and it stiffens up pretty regularly when I'm trying to carry heavy things for too long. This is a really bad sign for a 23 year old, but I think I can make it better.

  49. I'm afraid of bats, snakes, and, to some extent, rats. In college, for a paper in an anthropology class, I had to go to the nearby Bronx Zoo (I went to Fordham University, in the Bronx) and observe animals in the "World of Darkness" exhibit, among others. In the "World of Darkness" exhibit were bats, snakes, and rats. I refused to go in, and I was kind of surprised at my inability to just suck it up and do it.

  50. I have an obsessive personality. When I really love something, I have to know everything about it, I have to circle around all the information and sort of blow through it all, and on and on until I've exhausted as much of it as I can.

  51. I hate mowing lawns, I always did, and I slacked off when I did.

  52. As a result, that whole "smell of the grass" stuff from baseball fans rings a little hollow for me.

  53. Hate the direct sunlight. Avoid it like the plague- I burn remarkably easily.

  54. I worked one summer on a lobster boat out of Long Island Sound with the young guy that owned the boat- per his family business- an illegal alien, and the owner's dog Rocky, one of my two or three favorite dogs on the entire planet. It was hard fucking work- up at 6 AM, 7 days a week, 8 hour days. I got $13 an hour, and I was hauling traps out of the water, laying them along the back of the boat, setting traps, and keeping the boat up to snuff. I have ten million great stories from this- the time we got a gun flashed at us because the rival territories are like Mafia-warfare out there, the time we found a purple lobster ("one-in-a-million" was what the Maritime center told us), when I was profiled in my local paper, when Rocky fell in the water and we had to scoop his big ass out, when I nearly killed myself loading bait onto the dock, nearly being strangled by my boss by forgetting bait on the dock one morning, almost crying with joy on the unexpected day off due to gasoline issues with the boat. For the record, lobstering is a seasonal thing, and at peak season, my boss Mike was clearing $3 a lobster- and bringing in a thousand lbs. of lobster every single day. A week after I left, my boss's father's boat was burnt down by rival lobster guys. Insane.

  55. I've had the same chain wallet for 6 years.

  56. If you don't think Jack Black is funny, I don't really even want to know you.

  57. I've seen baseball games in:
    -Fenway Park
    -Yankee Stadium
    -Shea Stadium
    -Oriole Park at Camden Yards
    -Wrigley Field
    -Jacob's Field (well, this time next week I will have)

  58. The parks I MOST want to see games in:
    -SBC Park (San Francisco)
    -Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City)
    -Dodger Stadium
    -Busch Stadium (St. Louis)
    -Petco Park (San Diego)
    -The Metrodome (Minnesota)

  59. Yankee Stadium is, by far and away, the most overrated of the "classic" ballparks. I don't say this is as a Red Sox fan, I say it as someone with eyes and a brain.
  60. I am a true night owl- often staying up until 3 AM. If given the chance though, I love sleep too. I can make it until 1230 in the afternoon sleeping if left to my own way.

  61. As a general rule which, occasionally, I'll break, there are only a small handful of people I feel totally comfortable watching a baseball game with. That does not include random, unnamed and unknown sports fans, which is why I DO NOT go to sports bars to watch the Sox, and why I generally avoid conversation at Fenway and other baseball parks. I'm just not good at small talk/ getting-to-know-you talk at baseball games, and it ruins it for me. Really, my go-to baseball game watching partners are Erin and/ or Mike, but obviously, watching with my Mom and Colleen can be a tremendous amount of fun. My grandmother and I never saw eye-to-eye on Pedro, so she's out.

  62. Just kidding. I love my Nana to death. I love listening to her talk.

  63. I think I'm starting to come around on the red Red Sox jerseys. I don't want to see them more than three, four times a year, but they're OK I guess. Mike always liked them.

  64. I say "fuck" a lot- maybe too much- but my affinity for cursing is as much a part of me as my hair color or eye color. I think it's stupid to be offended by something like a curse word.

  65. I caught a foul ball off the bat of Marquis Grissom (then of the Brewers) at Shea Stadium in the Loge Level during this game on September 13th, 2000. Mike Hampton threw the pitch, and Jay Payton later won the game on a 3-R HR in the bottom of the 10th for the win. Jeff D'Amico threw for the Brewers that day and was ON. Piazza struck out 4 times. My only time catching a foul ball.

  66. This one time in college, Bill and I decided we wanted to go run down to Yankee Stadium to get bleacher seat tickets to that night's game. We ran down, got there in time, and saw our friend John, who had two extra amazing tickets, front row, 3rd base side. Apparently this guy- who we all hated (we called him 'Golfbag', and he was later seen on an MTV game show called "Being Fred Durst" where he had to run around and act like Fred to win a prize... including his freestyling, which was the funniest thing that ever happened- still have it on tape too)- had the tickets and needed to give them away. He "let" Bill and I have the tickets for $10 bucks each. Turns out Bill's friend had been looking for us to give them to us for free, but we had already left for the game, so she gave them to 'Golfbag' for free. He made $10 off me, the fuck.

    Anyway, so there were 6 of us total- I knew two in our party, John and Bill- and we rode Tony Batista, the third baseman for the Blue Jays, all fuckin' night. In fact, we may have been directly responsible for his two errors. Don't believe me? Here's the box score.

    We had three 30-something guys sitting behind us, and the three guys I didn't really know- 'Golfbag' and his two friends, were making buddies with these guys all night. Eventually, everyone gets so drunk that it becomes a good idea for these 30+ year old guys to come back to Fordham with a cadre of Fordham freshman. Two Fordham dudes go with two of the old guys in their car, and one of the old guys comes with us on the train- Kenny. Kenny was a tool. Bill, John and I were in tremendous awe of the whole situation, which we found to be totally ridiculous. When we got to our stop, Bill goes, "Ok this is our stop boys... and Kenny." Funniest shit ever.

    So we get back, and Kenny is all alone in this freshman dormroom with a bunch of kids drinking, waiting for his friends to show up. Golfbag, in a weird effort to impress Kenny, says, "dude, check this out, it's awesome." He then bites a beer can and slugs the entire thing- in the interest of not staining the carpet, of course.

    Eventually the other guys show up, they drink a lot, go upstairs and score some weed, Golfbag throws out a racial epithet much to everyone's discomfort, and then they all go home so they get "at least a little sleep" before one of them takes a law exam. I still wonder what their wives thought, though I'll note there's no way Kenny was married. Incidentally, Kenny- he of the adolescent frame and windbreaker, was busting Bill and my balls about "probably never getting laid" and being "big nerds." It was true, but he was only saying that cos he felt like a total douche sitting there with a bunch of 18 year olds. He was a douche.


  67. If it wasn't for Google, this site would not exist. It is the greatest site on the internet, hands down. And free!

  68. Never saw Titanic. Gonna keep that streak running.

  69. My favorite Simpsons episode is "A Fish Called Selma." My favorite Seinfeld episode, as I've mentioned, is "The Beard."

  70. I feel like the only person alive that loves Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza.

  71. Even though they're not popular opinions now, I don't consider them opinions, I consider them irrefutable facts, and history will one day vindicate me.
    -Family Guy sucks balls, and is a blatant Simpsons ripoff
    -Jessica Simpson is a linebacker-face with a hot chick's body. She is not attractive.

  72. I couldn't suck more with money.

  73. I've seen Iggy Pop, Public Enemy, Run DMC, Prince, Bob Dylan and the Pixies live in concert. The best live show I've ever seen though was the White Stripes back in 2002 at Lupos in Rhode Island, but the best single-song performance I've EVER seen was when Outkast did "Bombs Over Baghdad" at the Madison Square Garden Theatre in 2001.

  74. I try not to be, and I hope I'm not, but I know I can come off like an arrogant prick sometimes. But that's ok.

  75. I don't really have a favorite color. I like red, I used to say it was purple, and I've always like blue. Orange sucks, but I like orange because that word is the only one in the English language that can't be rhymed. So that's cool.

  76. I don't look people in the eye enough, especially when talking to them.

  77. Most of the time, to the extreme anger of my girlfriend, I don't care about what people think about how I dress, act, or conduct myself. BUT, I try as hard as I can to be as unfailingly nice to people I don't know across the board. Unless I sense that they're assholes. Then I do everything I can to give it back. Probably a bad idea.

  78. I own over 600 CDs, records, and audio tapes. My iPod has 4,000 songs on it.

  79. I can be really difficult to be around sometimes. Ask Erin.

  80. I love very few things more than I love going to a movie.

  81. Going to Fenway would be one of those things.

  82. I'm a dog person, and I tend to look down on cat people a little. The only good cat is a dead cat.

  83. I'm not being 100% serious on all these little anecdotes, for the record. Which ones I'm bullshitting a bit, I guess you'd have to guess on (if you've read this far, which would speak to your own amount of free time as much as it speaks to mine).

  84. Whether or not I'm a good writer, I'm really prolific, and I write really fast.

  85. I like seeing my name in print.

  86. I had a letter published in Rolling Stone once about a PJ O'Rourke article regarding the Clinton sex scandal. I was a junior in high school. Will Smith was on the cover. It came out over Thanksgiving when all my family was around, and I was nervous about all the attention, which I don't like. When I bought it, Colleen (my sister, aka Sally) told the clerk, and he made me autograph it.

  87. I stopped having birthday parties with friends and stuff around third grade (right? Mom, verify?) cos I hated the attention.

  88. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge is really, really cool. I think the Brooklyn Bridge is certainly my favorite "New York landmark" by far.

  89. I can't function without a watch.

  90. I don't really consider myself especially spiritual, and I don't have a religion per se- but I believe Jimi Hendrix was a gift from God. Jimi Hendrix makes me believe in God. In fact, I was thinking of writing a post about this recently.

  91. I listen to the song "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire so much, I'm starting to worry about getting sick of it.

  92. I had my Mom convinced I was a pathological liar in middle school.

  93. I've broken an arm, a foot, and a finger. One time, after I'd broken my arm falling down the stairs, my Mom was reading me the riot act for something, and I just looked at her and said, "Mom, my arm hurts," and she started to have watery eyes and just gave me a hug. That was pretty sweet, so a few months later, I tried it again, and she told me to give her a break, cos I'd been healed for months at that point. Don't go to the well too often, kids.

  94. Craig's List's "rants and raves" section has some depraved, fucked up stuff on there, and it never ceases to amaze me how many pictures make even me uncomfortable. Well not really, but there are some off-the-wall things in there. Good stuff.

  95. I don't know what I'd do in life without television. So great in so many odd and different ways.

  96. I really, really love Howard Stern, and I'm really, really bummed he's going on pay radio.

  97. I used to take craps outside when I was really little. But not that little.

  98. I have exceptional calves. As Mike would say, "you could eat dinner off those things." I don't know why, but I think it's the Chuck Taylors and the NYC walking-centric atmosphere.

  99. I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man.

  100. I'm an extreme creature of habit. Hardcore.

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