24 May 2005

NOTES FROM THE BROSEPH...

OK readers, it's time for a new monthly feature- the Broseph Mailbag! Not to be confused with the Broseph Nutbag! Enjoy! -BSM

Q: Hey Broseph, big fan. I was wondering what your take on Tino Martinez's recent hot streak was, and the wonderful reception and standing ovations he's gotten at Yankee Stadium. It's a great story, isn't it?
-Tony, NYC, NY


Tony, let me tell you a thing or two about this topic. First off, I could hit a home run over the right field wall in Yankee stadium. If dumping a bunch of bitch shots over that wall is a "hot streak" then anyone can go on one.

As for the Standing O's and curtain calls- as long as you played for one of those dynasty Yankee teams you'll get a curtain call. Chuck Knoblauch could come back and hit a single in the third inning against the Royals in April and get a curtain call. They really have lost their effect.


Q: Did you hear about Renee Zellweger marrying Kenny Chesney? Wasn't she dating Jack White? Is that an upgrade or a downgrade, Broseph?
-Vicky Topeka, KS


Downgrade. I'll tell you why...

Kenny Chesney? I have never seen that douche bag without a cowboy hat on- I mean, c'mon bro. Plus, Jack White is pretty bad ass- he kicked that dude's ass months back, and he's in the fucking White Stripes.

C'mon Renee, get your shit together.

Q: Broseph, you're a fucking homo. You don't like "Family Guy"? Guess what? "The Simpsons" has sucked for like 4 years running now. Suck it, retard.
-John Q, Roger Williams University, VT


Well first off John, you go to Roger Williams- I wouldn't be jumping and calling anyone a retard just yet.

Secondly, are you mental? Agreed, The Simpsons has sucked the past 4 years. But, at least they have their golden years. What's funny about Family Guy... the baby talks?...in an accent? Holy shit that's halarious! Wait..the dog talks too? Man oh man, I didn't think that would work after the Dilbert cartoons... and it did!

Seriously though, this is my theory: if you're sitting around watching Family Guy, why not just watch The Simpsons? It's like Family Guy, but a lot funnier. So shut the fuck up "John Q."

And anyways I liked you better when you were a shitty Denzel Washington movie.

Q: Broseph- what's better, the Indiana Jones Trilogy, or the Back to the Future ones? Really, the best of Back to the Future is better, but on the other hand, ALL the Indiana Jones movies are really good. Back to the Future III blows. What do you think? What's the best Indiana Jones movie? Does Back to the Future II suck like my older cousin tells me it does?
-Norm, Boston, MA


Back to the Future wins, in my book. You make some valid points Norm, but what it comes down to is the awesomeness of Back to the Future I and II make up for the sub par 3rd installment. Don't get me wrong, I love Indiana Jones, all of them, but something about the characters in Back to the Future just win me over. "Make like a tree and LEAVE Biff, it's make like a tree and LEAVE!"

And your older cousin is wrong, Back to the Future I and II are like Godfather I and II- it could go either way really.

Q: Who is the greatest competitor in "Real World/ Road Rules" competition. Also, who's the hottest Real Worlder of all time? I say it's Kelly from New Orleans.
-Bill, Anchorage, AK


Brad from San Diego, easy. First because he's the best cast member from any season ever. "These costumes were a smash hit" (said as Mario). Secondly, he delivered close to the funniest line ever in reality show history: after Mike from New York gave him a wedgie, he replied to the camera with "Hey Mike- congratulations, you're a meathead, son... but don't ever put your hands on my underwear." Also, you can't forget from San Diego- "I'm in jail bitches! Come get me out!"

And oh yeah, he's pretty tough and strong. As far as Kelley being the hottest Real World member- you're either blind or gay. Without make-up she's not good looking. I'm going with Mallory from Paris, mmm mmm. [I vote Cameran from San Diego- BSM]

Q: 26 to 6 baby!!!
-Vinnie F, Bronx, NY


Let me guess Vinnie- you're a mildy overweight, middle aged divorced man who has dedicated his life to the Yankees. Secondly, you spent over 300 dollars on "1918, The Curse" shit that is now completly useless, so you focus on how it's "26-6." Now, you're going to feel like a shithead when we win again in the near future and you now have no use for those shirts and hats. And you know, the only person who is more pathetic than someone writing for their Brother's blog is someone emailing them saying "26-6." So Vinnie, who looks stupid now?

Q: What's your last meal on death row?
-Jeffrey D, Tulsa, OK


Shrimp Lo Mein and pork dumplings. No doubt... no doubt in my mind.

Q: I keep hearing this stuff about "Jimmy Tapping." Can you give me a brief history, and sort of bring me up to speed on the great moments in the history of Jimmy Tapping? Also, how will I know when it's right to Jimmy Tap my friends?
-Stevey W, Los Angeles, CA


I ain't calling a grown man Stevey.

Anyway, good topic. The Jimmy Tap started with my best friend Casey, who used to ask "Do you know Jimmy?" and you'd reply with a "Jimmy who?" and he'd say "JIMMY TAP!" and then tap your ballsac. This way of getting a Jimmy Tap only worked once or twice because eventually, everytime the person heard the name "Jimmy," they'd protect the men who guard the ass fort.

So now it's evolved into getting them when they're not paying attention. That worked for a good while until now all my friends- including BSM- cup their balls when they come within 3 feet of someone- and I mean anyone. Trust nobody.

As far as the best Jimmy Tap of all time, I own that one. My friend Casey and BSM were in my room playing video games, he got up to stretch, and he stuck his arms straight up in the air. I winded up, halled off, and I backhanded the shit out of his sack. He layed wailing on the floor for many many minutes. Now that is the best ever. [I was there. The best analogy I can come up with is the legendary HR Mickey Mantle supposedly hit in Washington- like 600+ ft or whatever. It was like that sort of sweet spot, right down the middle connection. Sheer beauty. - BSM]

BSM owns the best between he and I. He connected once and got what we refer to as "all ball"- my meat hook was to one side, and he smacked the sack directly where the nut is, and I got a stomach ache that I didn't think was possible.

The best time to Jimmy Tap someone, Steve, is when they need to be knocked down a peg or two. By that I mean, "hey just won a big game? Feeling good about yourself? JIMMY TAP!"


Q: Dude...... smoke weed?
-John Doe, San Francisco, CA


Dude... you ever jerk off? OF COURSE!

Q: Broseph, the other day I was in Canada, and I saw that singer- you know, his brother was in the Backstreet Boys- Aaron Carter. I really didn't know how to react- do I pretend to like him and say hi? Do I ask him about playing around with Lindsay Lohan's dirty pillows? What would YOU have done, Broseph?
-Ray Ray, Torrance, CA


I would have murdered him right then and there. To be honest with you I'm planning on making a career in show business purely to either end his career- or what's left of it- or his life. That shitface wore a t-shirt with Tupac's face spray painted on it in his episode of Cribs- you want someone like that alive?

Q: I saw that M Night Shyamalan movie, The Village, and I know a lot of people hated, but I kinda liked it. It was different. The monster, as I'm sure you'll agree, was really cool looking, and I felt that Adrien Brody gave a stunning performance as the retard. Did you like the movie? Please tell me you did- I can't find anyone that liked this movie!
-Sigourney W, Miami, FL


Sigourney, please, no! Worst movie I've ever paid for. That douche bag director would have entertained me more if he had taped a 20 minute video of his mother taking a heaping hot shit on a paper plate. That S.O.B. robbed me. Adrian Brody will forever be the retard who dressed up as the monster and ran around like, well, a retard- and fell into a hole. Really I've never been so insulted in my life by a shitty movie, and I saw Kate and Leopold in theatres.

Q: Broseph- who's the greatest WWF wrestler of all time, and if you were a pro wrestler, what's your nickname and what's your go-to move?
-Hulk H, Palm Beach, FL


I'm going with Booker T and his move the scissor kick. First off, the dude looked like he should be in the NBA. Secondly, he wore the pants that had the Bengal stripes on them. Finally, his move was a fucking SCISSOR KICK, how do you beat that? He took a running start and fucking scissor kicked dudes in the neck.

If I'm a pro wrestler, I'm going with : The Numerator, cause I'm always on top! Wait that sounded kinda homo-erotic. [Yup, it is! - BSM]

Q: Broseph, I get a massive erection every time I see the trailer for the new Batman movie. Is this odd?
- Tim R, NY, NY


No brother it's not. I get one also, man I'm pumped.

Q: Broseph, did you do your homework? Have you been smoking drugs? Where were you tonight? You smell like sex- is that alcohol on your breath?!
-Maeve R, Fairfield, CT


MOM! Cut it out....




  • Broseph- Sept. 2nd (Stu Scott)

  • Broseph- Nov. 9th (Halo vs. Grand Theft Auto)

  • Broseph- Jan. 13th (Top Ten Reasons Broseph Hates the Yankees)

  • Broseph- Jan. 17th (Wayne's World Quotefest)
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