18 April 2005

I Bitch and Moan a lot...

I do. So instead of subjecting you to more of it (come on back, come on back, I didn't mean to dump on you...*), I figured I would sort of run through some things I really like. Or love. Or appreciate.

  • The Darth Vader Voice Changer. I bought this over the weekend when I was home- it's a plastic Darth Vader mask (in and of itself extremely cool) that lowers and distorts your voice to "sound like Darth Vader's." This isn't really true- it just gives you a warbly, demonic tone, but who cares, really? It does have a couple sound effects buttons too- Vader breathing and some of his lines from the movies. You can't really see well out of the eyeholes when you use it though.

    Mike actually put the thing on and we went into 7-11 with it. It was about 1:15 in the morning, and he was walking around all determined trying to find snack food as people either
    a) diverted eye contact because it made them uncomfortable
    b) tried to "get in on the joke."

    The first such reaction was of the "b" variety, a young frat-looking guy that laughed hard when he saw Mike and was like, "Dude! Where'd you buy that, like, Toy's R Us or whatever?"

    Mike just turned and stared at the kid for like 15 hard seconds before shooting back, "I can't fucking breathe without this thing, you can't just 'buy' it anywhere." Then, he stormed over to the beverage fridge where he was looking for Red Bull.

    "I want a goddam Red Bull," he shouted in Vader voice. Realizing quickly he wouldn't be able to see well enough to find/ grasp one out of the "fridge," he quickly admonished me to "HAND me a Red Bull." We went up to pay, and after receiving the total of $7.28, he took out a wad of bills and held them up to his face. "I can't see- Timothy, count my money." The 7-11 guy was pretending nothing weird was going on, so Mike engaged him a bit.

    "Hey, one time I drank a ton of appletinis and got really drunk. I threw up in the mask, it was really messy." Nothing.

    Buy the Darth Vader Voice Changer, just trust me.

  • "Rebellion (Lies)," the second-to-last song on the unstoppable Arcade Fire album, Funeral. "Epic" doesn't even come close- this song is huge, bigger than the sky and the ground, it's bigger than all the people playing it and the inconsequential noises they're making. It's such a "big" song, better than the multiple of it's parts, longer than it is short, one of those songs that's sad enough to make you happy, or happy enough to make want to cry. It fills up every part of your ear when you listen- definitely one of those songs you can't stop yourself from listening to every time you listen to anything, all the way until it fills up your stomach and makes you sick.

  • Guys. You know me. You know I hate SNL. Come on. Don't doubt me here. The show sucks dick.

    But that "The Falconer" sketch with Will Forte fucking cracks me up. The total and complete dedication to absurdity is really an admirable trait on a show dedicated to fake talk shows, fake commercials, and non-actor celebrities hawking their new goofy restaurant with a theme song sung to the tune of some lame '80s song (what was so fabulous about that idea that warranted repeating it like three times?).

    I love that Forte just screams this ridiculous dialogue at nearly the top of his lungs, refers to the falcon as "Donald," and that the sketch, while a "recurring character," is that rare opportunity to do absolutely anything. It's funny man, I'm telling you.

    Horatio Sanz, though, can die in a fire. Fat fucking slob.

  • That show The Best Week Ever. Christian Finnegan is funny- "and what makes us qualified to judge these TV shows? I'm sitting in front of a piece of construction paper." Paul Scheer, Doug Benson and Paul F Tompkins are the funniest. And the Modern Humorist guys, Michael Colton and John Aboud. It's like a 60 Minutes, blog-style.

    Admit it, it's funny.

  • Well dudes, I told you so. The Sea Dogs are bringin' it thus far in 2005, and as of right now, they're a very humid 10-0. Plus, your boy Jon Papelbon makes his third start tonight. Just don't ever forget who told you this, unless it wasn't me, and remember it as being me.

    I can't wait to go see them later this summer.

  • OK, so now that it's become somewhat trendy for "hipsters" and the like to be into it, I'm going to finally get around to mentioning how much I like "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson, describe how much it rocks, and then explain to you that I liked it months ago, when it wasn't necessarily "hip" to do so.

    It's awesome, it rocks hard, and I was there from the beginning.

    Seriously, those guitars are fat and really bite hard- I noticed too, in the bridge, a slight Yeah Yeah Yeahs homage in the tone. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, and so that makes it cool, and not derivative.

    Even if it is derivative (it's not), a hearty smack-on-the-ass to Kelly Clarkson for trying something new, different, and not as "marketable." Sorry, that is a really great pop-rock song. Beats anything recently from, say, Weezer- and by a mile.

  • I'm so fuckin' psyched about my new Sox jacket. It's like a track jacket. Got it on eBay- never seen this kind of jacket before in stores. It's in the mail...

  • Getting Bad News Bears- the original- on DVD.

  • My two favorite Sox blogs, still, after all this time. AND, a BIIIIGGGG thank you to Empyreal Environs for providing me a DVD copy of the Ring Ceremony, NESN Welcome Home Dinner, and the Offseason ESPN special. Free of charge! It's the blog that keeps on giving!

  • Being reminded of the greatness that is the Red Sox Nation card after receiving it officially in plastic form (as opposed to e-form) today. Being so happy about it, in fact, that I laughed all the way home and looked at the tickets that those losers- who take themselves and the word of Steve Silva so seriously they didn't take advantage of the offer- didn't get. If you're wondering, losers, the tickets smell like strawberries this year. I swear!

    Member number in the 2,000s, "Founding Member." No doubt. No doubt in my mind...

  • *- line from WHAT movie?

    Ok, so has anyone else heard about this? Brian "Head" Welch, formerly guitar player of KoRn, has "found Jesus," and is now dedicating himself to that end on this planet. He has claimed to be God's vessel on the planet, and that our "Lord" is "working through [him] on this Earth." If God picked a former member of KoRn to be his vessel, God is a fucking douche, if I may say.

    In fact, in his Mission Statement of sorts, Welch claims that he has been put here by God, and that being in KoRn was God' way of teaching him a lesson about the evils that music can perpetrate (might be right on that one, actually). I'd go through and do the "sic" thing for all his typos and such, but I have a life you too, you know. I don't have the time! Observe...

    Hey ya'll jesus psychos out their. i want to welcome you to your new site. this is not about me. this is about the lord 100%. this is your site as much as it is mine. as you know 2 & 1/2 months ago, i was begging to die and it wasn't from drugs. it was GOD calling me to come to him. i feel like i was put in korn to witness every trick the enemy does with music in this world in order to turn my knowledge around to glorify GOD. the time has come for the lost children of GOD that got abused by parents, peers, family members, society, teachers, churches or whatever else in this messed up world, to put on body armor for the lord and claim this country for god without feeling fear from public ridicule. he will bless us with strength in every way if we are loyal to him so say goodbye to the quiet wimpy you. ask him to bless everything and everyone in your life that you want blessed, OR IT WON'T GET BLESSED. PLEASE HEAR ME ON THE POWER OF PRAYER. you people who have been lost are now found. you people who have felt like nobodies, have now been put in a position to HELP change his-story. Our love for christ has to be loud and done with love. As everyone knows, sometimes love hurts. It's on! do not live this life for personal gain or you will end up on your face in confusion. do not live this life to try and be GOD. we are the lord's body, he is our brain. listen to him with your heart and don't let your brain get in the way. I WILL NOT FALL FROM MY WALK WITH THE LORD! EVER! I welcome all the positivity from this new life, and all the negativity too because the lord shines through me as he does all of my brothers and sisters and will be our defender in every way. I LOVE YOU ALL. WELCOME TO THE ARMY. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY. LETS GROW IN CHRIST TOGETHER. NOTHING CAN STOP US IF WE DON'T LOSE SITE IF WHO'S RUNNIN THE SHOW, KNOW WUTUM SAYIN?
    we have all been given the answer to the question of life.

    I LOVE YOU ALL, your brother from another mother,


    Anyway, he's made it his mission to save 50 Cent's poor, demonic soul. Here are the song lyrics (and introduction from the website) that he wrote in an opening salvo:

    A Cheap Name

    It's time to post a song called "a cheap name". From GOD to 50 cent and basically to everybody who's not listening to GOD's pouring out of his holy spirit. Listen people.....play time's over and it's time to come home. It's time to choose sides........trust me

    my little boy
    bow your head in shame
    you've disgraced your fathers name now,
    it's time you choose

    your little toys
    won't save you from shot 10
    without me you will not win no,
    I swear you'll loose



    love, JESUS

    And THEN, he writes THIS!:

    Proverbs 29;1 whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will
    suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.

    I love 50, as I do all of you, and myself. We all need constructive
    criticism to grow


    Fucking lunatic. He also says, in an interview on his website, that "the Jesus tattoo on my hand keeps me from masturbating," and that his new reality show being planned is an attempt to show "me and god and how much of a sense of humor i have with him but also how much i obey him."

    But don't worry, it comes to a happy, normal, well-adjusted ending.

    He's starting a Jesus-centric record label with Stephen Baldwin called "Livin It Records."

    Baldwin says, “We are not trying to reinvent the wheel, we are just trying to bring God and the Bible to the kids in a hard core way that they can relate to. There is almost, nothing out there in the Christian Marketplace that the kids can connect with! This same idea holds true in the Mainstream Marketplace where the kids will start to see that the faith-based culture can be more hard core.”

    Brian, you look like YOU want to say something about this!

    “This movement is sure to become the new form of punk rock rebellion that will glorify God’s kingdom for the youth that have been wounded, and as a result will be healed in the name of Jesus!”

    What the fuck is with the exclamation points? My God, it's like an episode of The Simpsons come to life.

    But hey, at least this rock-star-runs-to-God story was a joke. And a funny one.

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