13 January 2005

Top Ten Reasons The Broseph HATES the MFCY...

NOTES FROM THE BROSEPH...

Hey everybody, long time no...talk, I guess. Well I was thinking about what I should write about in my newest Notes From the Broseph post and I was stuck. I was watching ESPN and it was all Randy "Manny's New Bitch" Johnson signing. Well it occured to me: I fucking hate the Yankees. Let me tell you 10 reasons why.

10. Two words: Carlos Beltran.
Easily, without argument, the biggest free agent in the market this offseason. So why exactly the day he is signed to a New York team it's on the back burner? Well, that's because apparently the Yankees run ESPN along with everything else in the world. I mean seriously, what the fuck, Johnson is a great pitcher, but Beltran is arguably one of the better if not the best overall players in the Major Leagues, and he signs a 7 year 119 mill. contract and all I'm hearing about is some lanky bastard signing with the Yankees after months of whining? Reason number 10 I hate the Yankees.


Never mind that I hit like Randall Simon nowadays, Yankee fans- just remember, life was great last time I was around...

9. Tino Martinez.
I have nothing against the guy, he was good...was. So why exactly do they Yankees sign him? Because he did well when he played years ago? Of course, we all know that you can be the worst player in the majors, get signed by the Yankees, hit a walk off homer against the Royals in June and eventually get your number retired. This of course after your numerous curtain calls for, like, a base hit or sac fly.

8. Yankee curtain calls.
Seriously, a curtain call should be something that is saved for re-opening a curtain and causing a hassle for the person to come out. When Kenny Lofton gets a base hit in the seventh to tie the Indians that is not a suitable reason to give him a fucking curtain call. When Tony Clark hits a sac fly to win a game in the ninth against a 24 year old Devil Rays reliver he can really just go to the locker, no need to come out and tip his over-sized hat. Let's be serious people- baseball is a marathon not a sprint, so let the players save some energy.

7. Brian Cashman.
Another example of someone who, I'm sure is a good guy, but really, him doing whatever he does is exerting about the same amount of work as myself, a junior in high school, and I'm like a B student... well, B-. What does this guy do? In all seriousness I'm almost positive they keep him locked up until press conferences when he has to introduce the signing of Tony Womack for a 8 year 72 million dollar deal. George, save yourself the time and just make yourself the manager, general manager, pitching coach, 3rd string catcher, and oh that's right, the owner.

On a side note, nothing made me much happier than seeing Cashman throw a hissy fit in the luxury box after the Flyin' Hawaiian's grand slam. (and, of course, his last name is CASHman)

6. Yankee Stadium.
Rob Neyer probably did a better job of describing the faults of Yankee stadium than I'm about to, but I'll do my best. Can't put my finger on it but something about the upper, upper-deck seats bother me. I sat in them once and it's a very impersonal experience- I felt as though I was at a movie or something. Also the Dudes who do the YMCA during the field cleaning: give it up.

But I will say, my least favorite part about Yankee Stadium are the ghosts who are there. You know, the ones that helped Aaron Boone hit that homer in '03, or the ones that helped BK loose those games in the '01 series. What's annoying is how sometimes they travel with the Yankees on the road. I mean who else helped Jeter do that cute little flip play to get out Roid head's (very own) Broseph? Huh? HUH? I swear they think it's like Angels in the Outfield, like Christopher Lloyd is shagging fly balls for Bernie "I can't even feel my legs anymore" Williams.

5. That no good, bullshit-of-a-lie "Yankee aura"...
Oooh, they're so spectacular with all their World Championships. Oh we didn't win the World Series this year? Well then we'll be World CLASS, not World Champs. One of- wait TWO of- our star players are taking steroids? Shit, well, you know what? I bet you one of them didn't know, and the other one, well, he isn't a "true Yankee"- kill him and his family. It's just so frustrating that for some reason they hold themselves up higher than everyone.


Yankee President Randy Levine was quoted as saying, after the trade of Jose Contreras for Esteban Loaiza, "We don't want our fans to be under the impression that we sign dirty facial-hair havers. In fact, in an effort to appease this very valid concern, we've constructed a time machine wherein Esteban can go back in time and never grow a goatee. Giambi's going too.
pause
Giambi? Steroids? So?


4. Their uniform/appearance policy.
"The name on the front of the jersey means more than the one on the back." Listen, Herb Brooks called- he wants his sayings back. As for the no-names-on-jerseys, whatever- that's normal. As far as the facial hair goes, there isn't anything in the world that bothers me much more than this. I mean, what the fuck is the point? These are grown men who can't grow facial hair for some unknown reason. "Well Loiaza you didn't have any choice whether you came here or not, but you're going to have to shave all your facial hair and start believing in ghosts. Sorry." The worst part about it is it trickles down into the real world. You know, I worked HARD to get my facial hair and some douche bag hockey coach wants to tell me he likes the "Yankee way" of doing things, and I now need to shave. Hey, you want to do the Yankee way of things? Go do some steroids and overpay for your lunch, and get the fuck out of my face while you lose to me.

3. Gary Sheffield.
The difference between this man and the other people I've mentioned is that I hate this man. "Don't put me in the same category as Bonds and Giambi." Well that's fine because you couldn't wash Bonds' jock strap. Oh, you were talking about steroids? Why the fuck can't we put you in the same category- because you wear pinstripes? Well here's the problem Gary, you can toot your horn on changing the punishments for taking steriods, but YOU STILL FUCKING TOOK THEM! The worst part is that after that comment, people listened! All of a sudden he's outta the picture and it's just Bonds and Giambi.

What?!


OK, tell you what. If we lose THIS year, totally blame me. I want a do-over, dammit. I'd also like to mention I've taken Jay-Z's side in his feud with R Kelly, but I have no further comment on that.

Also just as a side note, that shit you said about the Sox being a cast of characters who don't want to win and if you lose, to come and blame you...well, I'm here.

2. Michael Kay.
If I wanted to I could really just end it there, everyone would know exactly why I hate him. First of all, you might as well have done a good turn and given that job to a mentally challengened person, because they'd be doing roughly the same job. Secondly, where does this no-talent ass-clown get off? First by criticizing my boy Johnny Damon for growing out the hair. Just cause your boss is too much of a fucking psychotic, money driven fraud doesn't mean that all is right in Yankee land. If you clothes your eyes and just listen when he's talking about the Red Sox you just might for a second think you're hearing a sixth grade girl gossiping about that bitch in her class who's "a total slut, I mean she kissed Bobby the second night they were going steady."

I live in southern Connecticut, so when I watch the Yankees and Red Sox on YES I'm forced to watch it on mute and listen to my mom asking what the real difference is between pine tar and glue, or if they ask the fans for the balls back when they get fouled off into the stands. I hate you Michael Kay.


I said it a MILLION times- these interns gotta wipe my ass BACK to FRONT! Now I'm terribly uncomfortable.

1. Ahh number one- was there any doubt in your mind it wouldn't be Ol' Georgie Boy?
This man single handedly ruined multiple summers of my life. "Oh this is a tight race in the east.. Oh wait, we're getting breaking news, it has just come to our attetention that George Steinbrenner, I mean, the Yankees, have signed Moses to come off the bench for his bat in late innings. Moses said he's happy to be a Yankee- and the hair is already cut. Heh heh. Back to you, Steve."

Who does he think he is- a multi millionaire who owns a fucking baseball team and can do whatever he wants?

...Ah, shit.

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7 Comments:

Dear Broseph,
I loved your column. I too share your innate hatred of the Yankees, from Michael Kay, to Sheffield (my least favorite human being). I like the way you think!

By Blogger erinlferencik, at 1/14/2005 9:56 AM  

I like your list, except you're especially lacking the Slappy McBluelips department. Your forgot to call him out for being a cheating whore. Oh yeah and for his irrational hatred for Bronson Arroyo....but that's just my opinion. And one more thing: Slapping?! Who the fuck does taht?

-PTH

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/14/2005 2:33 PM  

I agree, but I think it's important to add that the Broseph (theFlyinHawaiian to you RSNers) HATES Arod. Trust me.

AND- Bronson is by far and away his favorite Sox pitcher. I'm guessing he was leaving that for a future, seperate column some day.

Or maybe a nice addendum in this "comments" section?

By Blogger BS Memorial, at 1/14/2005 2:59 PM  

Bronson is my favorite pitcher on the staff easy. He has a cool leg kick, dope pitches, and well I'll forget about the hair. I will say though in relation to A-Rod getting in his grill I think of that more as a triumphant day, because we all know what followed, so thanks A-Rod if you didn't bark at our number 4 pitcher we would never have gotten to see Tek put you over his knee and spank you like the bitch you are.

By Blogger Mike Rogan, at 1/14/2005 3:48 PM  

Yeah Bronson is my favorite pitcher too....not JUST because I think he's cute, but I love the way he pitches. The leg kick is awesome and he kinda sneaks up on you. I've taken a liking to calling him "The Unassuming Badass" because when he steps on the mound, the opposing team seems to be like "Oh, I can kick htis mofo's ass...he'll be running to his mommy" Then suddenly BLAMMO! 8 shutout innings with only 3 hits given up! Suck it, opposing team.

You could also make an interesting argument that Arroyo singlehandedly exposed A-Rod for the phony that he is.

---------

Enough Bronson ballwashing....I'm sounding like a fangirl. Oh yeah and I hate Rick Sutcliffe for saying, right out that the slap incident could've been avoided if Bronson used two hands....Fuck you you fucking twit. *not Arroyo, Sutcliffe*

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/14/2005 5:35 PM  

The thought of all the evil that yankees do makes me angry...but reading the thoughts of others who share my opinion on the matter puts a huge smile on my face...and, in this case, makes me laugh my ass off...and overuse elipses...anti-terrible job, Bro'

By Blogger Jere, at 1/14/2005 8:58 PM  

Sheffield has such a pornstache too....it just bugs me...but yet it's his WIFE whose in the video w/ R Kelly....if the Fenway PA guys had enough balls, I'd love to hear them play "I Believe I Can Fly" or "Ignition Remix" or even the Dave Chapelle R. Kelly tunes....because that would be high comedy...

Of course they'd have to also play "Kung Fu Fighting" for A-Rod

-PTH

PS I was also the one a couple posts before who unabashedly ballwashed Bronson....

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/15/2005 12:37 AM  

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