07 September 2004

Looking Forward to ESPN's "Hu$tle"...

As I type this, Serena Williams is now competing in the quarterfinals of the US Open against Jennifer Capriati. I don't have it on or anything, but BSM will bring you all the details of what hopefully will be her resounding victory. We love Serena at Bullshit Memorial. She's good people.

Oh man, I am SO excited about this ESPN movie about Pete Rose. It's called Hu$tle, and it stars the legendary Tom Sizemore. I guess the thinking in casting Sizemore was, if there's a bigger fuckup on the planet than Pete Rose, well- nah, hold on, there isn't a bigger fuckup on the planet than Pete Rose. But Sizemore comes close.

This is a guy that engages in massive amounts of drug-taking, wife beating, Heidi Fleiss-dating and ill-advised talk show-appearing. He can be unbelievably fun to watch when he's, err- "on," and he almost always is. My favorite Sizemore moment of all time involves his appearance on Carson Daly's late night show (I've found myself calling it "Carson's show" inadvertently, only to recoil in horror). Sizemore was incoerent, uncomfortable, misguidedly trying to engage the audience, and COMPLETELY self-politiking his way out of the charges/ arrests in his lifetime, with little remorse. The best part though, was when Sizemore, who obviously told the producers his proclivity for football in his youth, was brought over to an on-set football throwing contest. It was a hanging tire that they let him throw the football at. Again, I can't stress how much Daly hyped him up on their way over to the football-throwing, and I also can't stress how much hype Sizemore contributed.

I don't think he hit the tire once, much less got it through. Daly did, though.

If there was any doubt as to Michael Kay's being the single worst baseball broadcaster alive (there really wasn't, but bear with me), then he's officially removed all doubt. Could you picture Mel Allen saying this about the Red Sox? Curt Gowdy about the Yankees? Vin Scully about the Giants? Red Barber about the White Sox?

The Red Sox act like little children with their long hair, beards and then ultimate shave jobs to change their luck. They behave more like Little Leaguers than big leaguers.

Don't believe me? He did write it. He wrote it right here. He's done it before- I posted a quote from an earlier column detailing Boston's inevitable failure due to the length of Johnny Damon's hair which, consequently, was an insult to baseball and his organization. If you read the rest of the column, which is from July 7, it reads like a Larry King-job. Borderline inaccuracies, condescending "recognition" (Ron Gardenhire has gone unnoticed? To who? Yankee fans?) and inexplicable self-promotion (see the Griffey comment, particularly funny in light of what happened not soon thereafter, and the fact that Griffey was actually having an awful year).

The problem is that Michael Kay is a miserable, miserable broadcaster. Jerry Remy doesn't comment (probably justifiably) on the Yankee Boy Scout-clean imagery. Jim Palmer doesn't sarcastically applaud the arrogance of the Yankee's holier-than-thou "no names on the away jerseys" aesthetic (hey, if we're playing on Kay's level, that's what it is- self absorbed- "we have the best players, you know who they are"). I find it remarkable that the play-by-play man for the biggest team in sports (oops- the MOST RENOWNED SPORTS FRANCHISE- translation- "we didn't win last year, but we're RENOWNED") is insulting his hometeam's rivals... haircuts. WOW.

I know Yankee fans hate him too, and I literally (no really, LITERALLY) could fill a book with his moronic rants that show his deductive reasoning to be of fourth grade level. It just blows my mind that they haven't axed him yet. He brings nothing to the table but arrogance, condescension, misrepresentation and blanket misunderstanding of modern major league baseball. Say what you will about the Red Sox, but Don Orsillo doesn't publish a full-of-shit "you heard here first" column on the NESN website.

Add to that his recent appearance on ESPN's Sports Reporters telling us Red Sox fans to "stop blaming some Curse for your failures," because it was simply that "your team has never been good enough." Don't worry that we were absolutely good enough in 1946, 1967, 1975, 1986, 2003, and 1978 to make it within one game of either the Series or beating the Yankees, depending on what you interpret the Red Sox haven't been "good enough" to do. In fact it's very likely he's refering to beating the Yankees. The fact that he admonishes us with the Curse, a MEDIA creation- NOT a fan's enterprise, instead of sticking to the only thing he has a passing well of information on- the New York Yankees and their stunning renown and mystique- is embarassing. He is an unbelievably embarassing figure. If it seems like he's gotten under my skin a bit, and that I should lighten up- well, you'd be right. But tough shit. I won't.

Michael Kay- the modern day Joseph Goebbels. He's irrefutably awful. No arguments.

This PLAYLIST's on fire!

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- "Even the Losers"
Urge Overkill- "(Today Is) Blackie's Birthday"
Weezer- "Surf Wax America"
The Who- "I Can See For Miles"
Wilson Pickett- "In the Midnight Hour"
Wilson Pickett- "Mustang Sally"
George Harrison- "All Things Must Pass" (demo)
The Beatles- "Old Brown Shoe"
Bob Dylan and the Band- "This Wheel's On Fire"
Charlie Parker- "Bloomdido"
The Clash- "Straight to Hell"
David Bowie- "Five Years"
Death Cab for Cutie- "Coney Island"
Detroit Cobras- "Find Me a Home"
Elliott Smith- "Roman Candle"
Etta James- "Money (That's What I Want)"
Fugazi- "Nightshop"
Fugees- "Ready or Not"
Hank Williams- "I'm So Lonely I Could Cry"
Jesus Lizard- "Puss"
Joni Mitchell- "California"
Modest Mouse- "Black Cadillacs"
Mudhoney- "Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More"
Nirvana- "Jesus Doesn't Want Me For a Sunbeam" (live)
Nirvana- "Sappy"
Prince- "Free"
Public Enemy- "She Watch Channel Zero!?!

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