24 June 2004

Patton Oswalt: A Funny Motherfucker.

This deserves its own post, from Patton Oswalt:


Sixteen things I would be willing to vote for instead of George W. Bush:
  • Anal rape

  • That scene from Dumbo where Dumbo's mom cradles him in her trunk and he starts to cry.

  • Four years of constantly being hit in the genitals with an ax handle by Avril Lavigne.

  • Avril Lavigne's music

  • A new STD that makes angry hornets spontaneously generate in your anus, and it's caused by masturbation.

  • Every time you blink, you crap your pants.

  • The vague feeling of hopelessness that you get on a rainy Sunday morning when you've just fucked someone you shouldn't, and now you have to think of a way to let them down easy, and you realize that the pain you've caused in your life is starting to come back on you threefold, and you can no longer feel joy, and also there's an under skin zit inside your nose.

  • The body odor of a two-pack-a-day cigarette smoker in an elevator.

  • Vanilla Coke

  • Contagious, airborne cancer

  • Italian food tastes the way it does at the Olive Garden from now on.

  • A lost puppy slowly freezing to death at 5:11 AM on Christmas

  • Reagan's corpse

  • Orgasms can only be reached while listening to "Meet Virginia" by Train

  • All children look like Donald Pleasance until they're 11

  • John Kerry


  • from 23 June 2004 "The Onion"

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